I Can’t Explain but Can Describe: Tales from the Road of Self Realization

After much effort and sorting with long-held illusions, I have sought to allow what has shown up in my life to occur without the pretense of controlling it or of having easy or ready explanations. I also came to see that we each can explore the inner unknown but there are dangers to following this path. A slippery slope indeed that can cause a fall into madness versus the comfort of an ordinary existence. I have tried to be mindful and keep my balance over the many years. Now, some twenty years after much of the following occurred, I am drawn to memorialize the most interesting and challenging of my experiences.

My primary journey into the unknown began when I was near forty years old. I had a struggling career, a highly mortgaged home, three children, a new and painful divorce after fourteen years of marriage and then a period of mild exploration. The most salient aspect of my divorce was the recognition that I had lived a vanilla existence designed to have me manage my level of existential pain. So I had lived finding and using methods of self soothing, thus avoiding the lows of too much pain. My evaluation was that by limiting my pain in my life I was also limiting the heights of intimacy and ecstasy. With this recognition I promised myself that I was going to go for it all. I was going to welcome whatever came for me to do. What followed was both more limited than what I expected as well as far exceeded my vision.

In the first few months of my decision I was living out of a friend’s basement room and in a country setting. I would drive into town each work day to drive my children to school and to go to work as an accountant. I was not a natural accountant and my practice reflected my tendency toward unfulfilled and untested artistic expression. Nevertheless, I was moderately successful. I was also exploring other activities. For the first time in my life, I was running trails in the hills of the local wilderness areas. Yet I was also mired in so many challenges; economically, emotionally, and spiritually. What stood out to me were some monumental peaks of emotional joy of simply being alive. One memory that stands out was of driving in the morning dew by a field of cows. Their condensed breath visible amidst the floating bits of fog. The wet wooden slats of the aging fencing glistened. I saw this all and suddenly felt an overwhelming surge of joy. It caught my breath and I rode that wonderful wave for what felt like several minutes but was probably less than a minute. This type of experience became daily activities.

In many ways, what followed were essentially milestones of existence and responsibilities mixed with experimenting with meditation styles and methods. One technique that was most valuable was in releasing emotions of shame and fear from my body. Literally, the sensation was quite distinct of watching the emotional tightness float away. Like healing a sore that required lancing for a period of time, the wounds would heal. I can easily say that my changes were recognized by others in my life including my ex-wife. Not an easy or expected outcome.

I started dating and after a failed effort to get more involved I was invited to go to a local psychic fair. I had never considered going to a psychic fair before and had somewhat a cherished reputation as a “Doubting Thomas” nevertheless, while on an errand, I noticed a sign proclaiming the Fair at the nearby Veteran’s Memorial. I went in and was given a psychic reading. The two guys reading me where having a great time laughing, but I was pretty unclear on what was so funny. While much of what they said was questionable to me they were accurate on other items. I recognized that my skepticism could not explain all that they saw or said.

I began taking classes in different aspects of meditation. At a later psychic fair I attended a lecture on Kundalini. As I sat there, I noticed that my lower back area felt increasingly warm to the extent of a localized sweating. I felt my mind slipping into an altered state. After the lecture I asked about my experience and it was recommended that I go to the Kundalini booth in the fair next door. At the booth, the attending psychic said she was being advised by my guides to tell me to relax and just allow a rebuilding to take place. I did relax and the sensation coursing through my body was powerful and traveled all over and through my entire body. The strongest location was my jaw. It seemed like I was hearing a loud buzzing like a hive of bees and there was a strong sensation of my jaw being rebuilt. I went home afterwards in a elevated state of being and slept. The altered state did not last, at least in a punctuated manner, but as I was experiencing so many more mediation practices, it is hard to remember.

At a later class on some different meditation and healing techniques a small group of us was being taught something called a “Supreme Being Healing”, whereby we were to visualize the Supreme Being above and link that energy to our hand chakras where we could then pass on the healing energy to a “healee”. I got an explanation that the Supreme Being healing would help the recipient release and grant new freedoms. Well, I’ve never been one to always follow the rules, so instead of linking it to my hands I simply matched the energy and felt my awareness rise up as in an elevator. I felt my bodily temperature spike and I was suddenly aware of a heightened state of awareness and sensation. A heightening of frequency in my body. I saw/sensed two giant figures to the side of me. They were dressed as though in Biblical times and were engaged in an animated conversation with each other. My awareness was like being a small bubble near their feet. Suddenly, one of them noticed me and bending down put his finger to my bubble. I was immediately swept up in more sensation and ecstasy than I had ever experienced before. That was when I heard my local instructor gasp. I dropped back into simply sitting in a meditative stance. Afterward the instructor told me that I wasn’t supposed to do that. I knew what he meant, but it was too late: the cat was already out of the bag.

While keeping up with the ongoing responsibilities of fatherhood and tending to my business, I was also meditating for hours a day and accessing that wonderful energy of the Supreme Being. Each day I was swept up in tears of ecstasy. On so many occasions, I would experience visions of creation or other aspects to life. I kept the practice of nursing my meditations with an ongoing sensation of divine energy of love that was so all encompassing and nurturing. Yet I had some concern that I had no proof of what I was experiencing and wondered if I was simply lying to myself or possibly going crazy. After more than perhaps a year of such immersion I got a call from a good friend of mine, who had been on the phone with her former lover who still lived across the country, in Florida. Carol had just cut off her contact with him but was concerned about him. She asked me to tune in and see if he was alright. What I saw/sensed was that he was taking steps to kill himself, with pills and booze. I weighed my sensibilities that his actions were not Carol’s fault and as I was counseling her I felt some a rising urgency and told her that she needed to call him immediately. Carol got off the phone with me and tried to reach him. She couldn’t get through. On another line she had her daughter call the Dade County Sherriff to report a possible problem. The bottom line was that an ambulance was sent and they found him unconscious. His heart stopped four times in the ambulance before they arrived at a hospital. He was still alive. In a follow up phone call between Carol and the Dade County Sherriff, he asked her what had had her call them? She responded that a friend, a local psychic, had told her to call. He responded: a “Northern California psychic, right” – a pause and then he hung up.

At last I had my outside proof, but that was not the end of it. The next day Carol and I and a mutual friend met for lunch. Both Carol and I were in altered states as we were so affected by the actions or the energy of it all. I relayed that in the midst of sensing Todd’s actions, I had a vision of a ghost like powerful figure and I was held like a small dot in the palm of this entities’ hand. Carol, who, due to her abhorrent upbringing, was an atheist yet she had had a dream of a supreme being in the form of Aslan the lion from CS Lewis. We were both so affected by our own experiences. I couldn’t go back to work that day. I went up in the hills and wept for hours.

More time passed – perhaps weeks or months and I continued my practices of deep meditation mixed with tears. One evening I got a call from Carol, who told me that my secretary, Lori, had confided that she was worried about me being so much in altered states of consciousness. I told Carol that I was purposely exercising my state of being and was relishing my ongoing insights. She reminded me that perhaps I needed to temper my activities as I had young children and a business to attend to. I sensed the correctness of her comments and took her comments to heart and concluded I needed to decrease my ventures into what I called the divine energy.

Unfortunately it worked. In short order, I no longer had access and suddenly I was deeply grieving its absence. In reality I was not really cut off from the divine, but simply I just felt ordinary and no longer had such emotional peaks or visions. Something in me was apparently ready to do something else yet I was having such a difficult time accepting it.
This inner world of painful absence lasted a long time, years in fact. I continued to be plagued by questions of my authenticity of the experiences. Did they really happen? How did I know? Why couldn’t I get back to it? Meanwhile I poured over relevant literature and consulted with others in search of answers. I continued to explore other modalities of healing and insight. I began a series of working with a Taoist body worker using a different system and I described my experiences to her. Her response amazed me. She said she had encountered many others who were in grief over losing their connection to the divine. I had never heard that before from anyone. Her comments somehow put it all into a bit of perspective and my pain began to ease. Sometime later, I was taking a series of classes on the Kabballah from a well known Rabbi I had read of in the book, “The Jew in the Lotus”. In the class I spoke out and talk briefly of my questions. He responded that he had only had one experience that was similar which took place in an olive grove outside of Jerusalem. His conclusion was that the first time is freely available but after that it takes something intangibly more. I realized that all those days of immersion that I had had were unique and a deep blessing.

Ultimately I sensed that I had tried to hold onto something that was not meant to be static. My experiences were living and perhaps I didn’t need them to be so present. Since those days I periodically have soared as I once did and that is just fine. My sense is that those practices have impacted my ability to connect to others in a deep way.

So what am I doing now? In my ongoing strange path, I took an absence from such energetic pursuits for about thirteen years, but then began taking meditation and psychic training again to see why I was feeling such anger. I went through some seven years of more specialized training that revealed some of my well honed abilities and sensibilities. However, I ended up with some medical problems that affected my cognitive ability, my memories and my balance and walking. Fortunately I had an operation, brain surgery, and am on the mend with a programmable shunt to relieve the pressure in my brain. I had to retire from working but continue to pursue my writing as a screenwriter.

I have had other experiences that serve as caveats to the prologue of the past, but those shall remain in my private chambers. I have purposely left out the names and locations of my various schools as things and places change and what I experienced at one time may or may not still be present.

Meanwhile, I continue to notice each day, the play between the compelling aspect of assumptions/judgment and awareness. It is an adventure mixed with the unknown.


Author: Jason Wallach


Jason Wallach is an award winning Screeenwriter with six scripts at this URL: http://inktip.com

A listing of his awards can be found at: IMDBpro.com




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