Pain won’t beat me ~ ~ ~
These are words I cling to in the darkest moments of Chronic Pain doing its best to beat me down. I never imagined my life being ruled by something I can’t see–but then I had never met Chronic Pain until one day when I fell out of a tree. I kept living–ignoring the growing signs of Chronic Pain coming my way. Pain came fast~ I woke one morning and all the toes on my left foot were Numb~~I had to face my husband and be honest about what happened-realizing nothing would ever be the same again.
Our Love for each other did not waver~~but my body was on a downward spiral, Pain traveled from my buttocks to my left foot–I learned Pain was coming from my Sciatic Nerve~~~this is one nerve in the body that does Not like being injured. It took two years of “Find a Doctor Circuit” until one day I stumbled upon an amazing Pain Management Doctor who has been with me on this wild ride of fighting Chronic Pain for almost 18 years.
We all have choices in our lives–I could have gone to Anger and stayed there, cursing myself for falling from a tree, dragging my precious husband with me as I battled against an enemy that I could not get my hands on. It took time to find my way to acceptance–numerous surgeries failed, physical therapy, injections~~~all bringing me slowly back to Pain. These were bumps in the road and with the steady love of my husband and growing determination deep inside me–I began learning how to live with Pain.
Chronic Pain can take the strongest man or woman and reduce them to a puddle of Agony–I wake up each day with Pain already screaming at me via the angry Sciatic Nerve in my left leg–trapped by years of Scar Tissue, while the brain is trying to tell the Nerve-“Houston-We have a Problem here!”
Describing my Chronic Pain~~~~ feels as if somebody took a hot poker from a burning Fire pit and shoved it against my Leg–my left foot has a lovely combination Pain of Numb/Burning Pain. I would not wish this Pain on my worst enemy, but there is Life to be lived, treasured, and enjoyed~~~regardless of the Pain.
A dear friend urged me to form a Blog and write about my Pain-“Share what you are going through with other People”–I could not imagine anyone caring to read about my daily grind of Chronic Pain. To my surprise–I was the one who felt validated when a person left a few words on my Comment Section “You are not Alone-I am going through this type of Pain too”–my face covered with tears at these words, it was a mix of Relief and profound Sadness.
My journey with Chronic Pain keeps going–currently I am in a “rough valley” as new areas of Pain are cropping up, some from injury and the awareness of Aging. I made a decision long ago–Pain will probably chew most of me up–but it does not get my permission to take all of me! There are moments of Joy in each day–just waiting to be discovered. I recall a brief prayer coming from me when I fell–“God Help Me” and I repeat this each day.
This is a part of my Chronic Pain Story–hopefully its going to be a long one!
Blessings, Martha Herden