I found myself on a plane once again…excited about my upcoming adventure, but anxious about the flight. I wasn’t always a nervous flyer. Seems to be something I had picked up during the second half of my life. Normally I would just knuckle down and go into meditative, deep breathing exercises and feint sleep to get through it. This time for some reason was different…I found myself hyper aware of a sudden need to surrender control and just be. And you know what? It felt good. It felt right. I felt at peace.
Normally being on a plane is tough for me; I feel like I have no control. I have no choice but to sit patiently and obediently. I can’t go for a walk, can’t get something out of the refrigerator and certainly can’t hop in my car to go somewhere.While sitting on a plane, my time was mine but it wasn’t if that makes sense. I was temporarily held captive and felt almost forced to view how I was living my life. Maybe that is why I would squirm and struggle. I always thought I had just developed a mild fear of flying. Maybe it was something more. I hated not being in control. I loved my freedom of choice and being able to do things on a whim if I wanted too. But the funny thing is…I also allowed it to dictate my life. I felt with all of those choices at my whim…that I should be producing, creating, succeeding and advancing ALL THE TIME.
I also then realized how tired I had become trying to control every aspect of my life. It was like I finally understood this at a subconscious level that before had only been understood intellectually and at a soul level. It felt so good to give up trying to control everything; it made me want to feel this way all of the time. Total surrender, total peace, total acceptance of the real me; the real me who struggles and isn’t always fearless and sure as I have tried to trick myself into believing I was. There had always been a part of me that felt needed fixing…and being the seeker that I am I was always looking for ways to grow and complete myself which left me feeling continually anxious as I continued my search. It was like a never ending job. There wasn’t ever a 5pm to look forward to where I could shut down and relax. I wasn’t able to fully surrender into who I was and truly enjoy my life, my successes and my journey. This powerful sense of surrender that came over me on the plane showed me that there was nothing that needed to be fixed…I was always whole. And although at some levels I always knew that…now I really felt it as well. I was able to accept myself exactly as I was…not as someone I thought I should be or who I had told myself I was based upon my successes, failures and life experiences.
I now knew that my life wasn’t sustainable anymore in my old way of thinking. It had left me tired, unfulfilled, and with a false sense of identity. Going forward I now feel able to surrender to each moment, the unknown, and to my future;a very good place to be if you ask me. This curious flight took me to two destinations that day. The first a physical one, the second a reflective realization that has set me free going forward. I am thankful for both.
Copyright G. Brian Benson 2013