“Back in the Saddle …”
Healing is perfection…healing helps us grow…healing helps makes sense of what sometimes doesn’t always makes sense….and most importantly, healing helps us to move forward.
I recently found myself in need of some major healing…for the past few months, I had been walking around in a bit of a fog. For me that meant being tired, on some levels feeling depressed, unsure of my next step, needing some sort of change in my life and not really caring…a general malaise. Although I had gone through feelings of being unsure various times in my life…I had never felt anything like this before. It totally sideswiped me. It was like I had these emotions come right up to the precipice, but without being able to identify and release them. It was very troubling. I very much wanted to come to terms with and release what was brewing inside of me. Once or twice the emotions started to surface only to be placed back in a holding position…all I knew was that I was unhappy and very much desired a clearing.
What were these emotions bubbling under the surface? Where they incidents from my childhood that needed identification, understanding and expulsion? Where they my true nature letting me know that I was a bit off of my path and that I needed to start taking care of myself better and reconnect with what brings me joy? Or was my driven nature and fears of not living up to my life’s purpose starting to rebel because of my very tough nature on myself? It would be fair to say it was a combo of all 3. Although in many ways, through the years I have done a nice job of finding balance, adventure and accomplishment …I realized more recently that I had lost my spark for living in the way that I used to have it. Although my creativity continued to come through for the most part in the form of books, movies and inspirational poetry…It had become a case of ok…what’s next? I think what happened was that I so desperately wanted to help others through inspiring projects and writings…that I forgot to help and take care of myself; take care of my needs and relearn how to be the fun loving Brian that I used to know. I realized that I had reached a critical point…I wasn’t happy, and as I like to tell others, If you aren’t happy it’s time for a change.
What was this change I was looking for? In my heart, I know that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing… writing, creating inspirational projects and sharing what comes through me. Yet it wasn’t making me happy— or at least I didn’t think it was. But what I found out as I delved deeper was that the way I was going about it wasn’t making me happy. I can tell you that nothing brings me more pure joy than when I am working on a film, self-help book, poem, or children’s story. My projects just flow through me; like I am a conduit. But as I looked closer and paid attention…I noticed that my intuitive hits weren’t coming in as frequently or as strong. It was as if I was driving with no headlights at night. I have always relied very much on my intuition for guidance. It was troubling not to be able to tap into it like I was used too. It was as if I didn’t know what my next step would be….combine that with the emotional feelings that were bubbling under the surface needing release; I was in a tough spot.
At about this time I was headed up to Oregon where I am originally from for business. Well, the business was finished up a lot sooner than I had anticipated and as so often happens in life…our original plans get scrapped for something much more important and revealing. Although I originally travelled there for business…the real reason I went to Oregon was to heal.
My healing began when I went into a book store that I had been drawn to go visit. I was familiar with this store as I had done some workshops there on prior trips and had always enjoyed their staff; they were always very kind and open. I first asked if I could use one of their small “reading rooms” to meditate and think. They said no problem…I went back again the next day to do the same thing…the perceptive woman at the counter could tell that I was struggling a bit and that I needed to work something out. She suggested I have a session with a very talented intuitive healer that worked there. By rare chance she happened to have an opening that very same afternoon…knowing that I was at wits end…I took the plunge and said sure. Let me just say that it was exactly what I had been looking for! Although I am a very self aware person…I knew I needed some assistance to dig deeper. During the session…she was definitely able to help me find, bring up and release a lot of what had been hanging around me…the caught energy, the misunderstood comments of yesteryear, the unworthiness that was living inside of me. I was able to begin the work of healing…this was what I was truly looking for.
Without getting into personal detail, I was able to identify some areas and issues that I had been carrying around with me for most of my life. She also helped me realize and identify my “true” need to add more play into my life; whether it was a bike ride, hike, hanging out with friends or a mini vacation. I had to incorporate that playfulness back into my life to allow everything to properly flow. And once I began to do that…I am happy to say that it was like I fell right back into being the real me. Life felt exciting again… I felt alive and because I felt alive I was able to tap back into my intuition and regain my creativity and intuition. I was also able to set aside a bit of my “go go go” nature, because I now knew that it wasn’t working for me in the way that I was using it. I needed to get off the proverbial “hamster” wheel to replenish and regenerate through more play.
Take care of yourself friends…seek help to release the pains you have been holding onto… they need to be released and are way too big to carry around in your light; as it was with me…it held me back. I was stuck, I was depressed, I wasn’t on my path. By being open to releasing what was stuck inside of me as well as learning how to play again I was able to free myself which in turn helped me to be myself. I want you to free yourself as well… be open to healing, be open to playing and be open to moving forward!
Copyright 2012 G. Brian Benson